I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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