How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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