He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
