There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
