my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
