The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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