I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
