What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
