Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
