i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
