I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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