If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
