He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
