Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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