when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
