I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
