i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
