Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
