Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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