yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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