there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
