She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
