After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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