Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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