I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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