Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
