you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
