watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
