Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
