the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
