East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
did i just pee glitter
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
