i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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