i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
