$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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