I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
