Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Will exercising make me less horny?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
