dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
