Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
