becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
