the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
