So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
