Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The air was thick with penises
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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