worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
