I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
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I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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