Are my feet made of real feet?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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