i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
