Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
