I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
