dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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