oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
