look no pants
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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