not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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