I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
