my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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