you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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