I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
