i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
