I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
