i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
