my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
