Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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