Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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