my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
